| What I say below might
seem ignorant... or amazingly genius... I'm not
really sure because I have not read it myself in
a couple years... regardless --- this will help
all viewers understand my mind a little
better... at this age I was about 15 or 16...
with that said... please read on. And thanks for
your interest. :) |
|
|
Part 1 |
Through out this life I dwell
so happily in, I have noticed that so many cannot
follow, or do not wish to follow what I have to say
and how I say it. It seems most do not understand me,
and this is one of the first times I have said this,
for I usually ponder the thought deeply before such a
up front statement is presented to an audience. I feel
that others call me names, and hound my image only
because they feel I am the opposition because of my
words. Some of my current friends stay in such a
social status because they can understand what I have
to say, or they do not hate out of intimidation. I
feel horrible saying such a word like intimidation,
yet in all truth I have no other option to take then
that very suggestion. Many say I have an ego, and I
really deny such accusations. These people that say
such things are not being fare with what I believe in.
I see the human race as a group that is much weaker
then its potential. I pity most because of this fact.
I do not want to, yet that is the alternative option
that I must travel down in response to my shocked
face. I used to think that people could understand...
Yet somehow I forgot to notice the reality that not
many could understand the majority of who I am, and
only my conscience's duplicate could agree, and ally
with my entire meaning and philosophy on what this
life we live in is supposed to be used for. I ask
others why they eat unhealthy food, they tell me
because it is "good", knowing that it is not "good"
for them. I ask why we all seem to brake each other's
hearts and no one can really come up with a just
reason. No one I have met. I ask so many questions on
why most believe in something, and they all do not
have any logical reason of why. It is this world of
pathetic empty hope that we all seem to strive towards
anything that will make us all feel better about
ourselves.
Don't think I feel a sense of superiority, for in all
truth I fear if others knew what I knew, they would
surpass such aspects of life and advance beyond
leaving me in the dust of one time wonders. I have
fear similar to others, whether that is a fear that no
one can deny, or a process that all would find
threatening in itself. Often times I find that I
cannot speak for my fellow males, for I do not feel
the same way as they do. I cannot look at a girls
breasts and say I would like to touch them, only
because that part of a person should be left alone,
for her to decide what happens to herself. I cannot
agree to use drugs for that is just a weakness I do
not need and will never let occur. I cannot allow
others to treat each other in unwanted sexual ways
because such a violation of space would be damaging to
the fullest extents... is such a belief so wrong?
Besides what I rant about so often, there is a side I do not speak of as
much. At times I find I must fill the gaps in a
situation. If there is a boring situation, I feel I
need to become the entertainment with jokes or
conversation, if there is a person alone, I feel I
need to go talk to them. When a person is crying, no
matter who they are, I feel I need to hug them. Am I
such a freak? Many situations have I seen a person
break down, yet not an person comes to console their
inner wounds... why is this? No matter who it is we
should all help one another, we do not need religion
to make ourselves feel it is all right to help
another. What is so wrong with being a good person to
another? As if we all are shackled and cannot move the
average person just stands by and watched the pain
occur, even laughter at times takes place. What horror
I have gone through when it comes to true pain,
laughter can even cause such agony... All because of
one shallow person am I so effected...
This very day, I have found I adore more then one person... Such a
horrible feeling... I do not want to ever like or feel
for multiple people for in such a situation I cannot
be happy... Such guilt when I look each individuals
eyes... 4 girls... None I date... is this pitiful?
Through out all relationships ever attempted, I have
shut off all attraction for every girl I ever cared
for and focus on the one of which I date... Though in
all proof, I deny obsession for it is too
unreliable... Until the next entry... This is a piece
of me, please respect what I have to say, for I cannot
take a deeper cut then when others harshly comment on
my passion without restraint... talk to you all
soon... |
|
Part 2 |
This entry expresses more of
my poetic side… I hope you all like what I have done…
Thank you again for reading this entry… They will not
occur every day, it is more of a coincidence. Do you
all think my poetry is better then my regular
literature? Until the morrow.
Another day goes by, and soon I will find my last. Forty years from now,
my existence will become the past. I find such truths,
and I can’t deny, that on one day soon, the blade will
I have to rely. I can’t look behind me, for it is all
too far, I care for them all, no matter who you are.
Some more then others, or so my mind does tell, I
believe in so much, yet I ignore this hell. My face is
what you all make it to be, so please make it good. I
love this mind, yet question if I should. What tragedy
shall come once my perceptions become lies? What shall
I say, when passion in the world truly dies? A fact I
must face is that this life of mine is too little, I
just need so much more. This day of mine, it will
trickle then pour. My hours fade away, and into
distant days. My time is running out, my souls
presence will deplete its ways. I look so far in the
future; sometimes I cannot see what is so near. I tend
to love so many, but that love is what I fear. Attach
to another, hassle you all not, yet if one does
attach, a web of hate will you be caught. Not a
child’s perception, or philosophy in full, I hope you
see my pencil as a razor, will it ever become dull?
A part of me, it shines in the sun. This part of me, it is happy and fun.
Yet what shall I do when the sadness rises? When will
I run away, when everyone realizes? I cannot let them
know; yet what is there to hide, is this a fresh grape
I have, or just a rotten toxin I have inside. What may
I say? Can I say anything at all? Death will not find
me ready, when he makes his call. Or will it be so, I
am prepared and done. This life complete, or just over
run. Defeated by the others, or so they all think,
when will I return, before they even blink? This
duration I have, am I worth such a time? Am I better
then my fellow males? Or just more slime? So many
questions I ask, but the answers are not to be told,
for if I were to be notified, my conscience would grow
old. For the answers we seek and some how hope to
find, the answers would ruin our aspiration, and
destroy each mind. These questions, my friends, they
are what keeps us here, if you do not have a question,
you head would never be clear. Drained of such life,
drained of all need, it is on these souls, that the
strong seem to need. Without the bricks the building
would fall, though one does not matter, it would
crumple with all. A little is better then none in
complete. For this tower I have, I cannot crumple or
defeat. A life like this is not to be killed, but some
how with such beatings, the others seem so thrilled.
What change have we all made, if any are there. It seems that even I
wonder if others care. Is this so basic, a fool like a
closed mind? When will my oblivious nature leave, what
fact shall I soon find? A story told is a story
conceived, a story given, for others once believed.
Now we are twisted, torn till we fade, every aspect of
life, someone has seemed to degrade. Where does it all
end? And where did it start? What is idiocy? And who
is smart? We have all lost our sense of power, for
alls we seem to be able to mold, a broken hand, and a
broken mind to fold.
Our existence is truly not all about dismay, yet such a fact, does not
come to your door and say “here is your joy, so take
it and run” My dearest readers, you have to make a
choice now, what future will you lead, to which love
will you bow? Everyone seems to not see… We need no
insults, yet they are all inevitable to not read. To
look, to hear, to touch, and feel, we know this hatred
of our world, but only deny it with an alcoholic meal.
Drain away our sorrows, and so we do the next day… The
others around us, we all seem to pay. My own drunken
nature, of the oblivious trait. I do not mean to hurt
others yet I find it to be near late. I run, I scream,
I laugh, and I rant; yet why do others feel like they
can’t. Such honor and image lamination, to find worry
in emotional domination. The act of fear, and the act
of too much pride, will leave the others, left open
and wide. We must all look in ourselves, and find what
is so true. I can’t convince for it is a force you
must control, whether these words effect you, I am
still left in the coals. A fire above of which I
inspire, yet the flames will burn out, if I lose such
desire… Learn my friends, I need to learn from all of
you. I cannot live a life where none can hear me
through.
Let me speak, for I have much to chant, I will leave a part three soon,
so ponder what I have to say, express what I hope you
will soon rant. A body is what we all are given, so
use your time, ignore all drugs and eliminate the
overuse of wine. Drugs are not just an addiction, they
are your life’s defeat, listen to these words, this is
only one aspiration I must meet. |
|
Part 3 |
Another life fades, like the
rest in this sky… I find I am not left so much alone,
and I stop wondering why… [sighs] I do not like to
worry about what other people are thinking. Such a
thing can make me act paranoid and overly aware at
times… Through out this life I lead, I have had
nothing but joy and oblivion to what exactly occurs… I
have hit this base of life and not even stopped to
ponder what has happened… and why I am in such a state
of mind as I am now. In life I believe that depth is
everything and most school material (math, science,
business planning) is rather pointless, and useless at
that. There are such times in the lives of us all
where we need such basic skills in algebra and below,
yet what is this geometry that is taught and forced
into the heads of the un deciding? It is all in truth
a fool’s game to play. In such a category, I cannot be
an important voice. For like so many my voice has the
tendency to become one-sided on such a subject. This
assumption, which strangely, I accuse my self of, is
highly un true. Though at this moment in time, I do
not feel up to discussing. School is a matter that
will get very little recognition for what it has
attempted to shape me to be… A conformist.
Over time I have seen a girl come and another leave… I have had an
interestingly common (oxymoron) love life. Though I
have had many previous girlfriends (13), only two of
the group have I actually fallen deeply in love with.
After such time of deception, and treasury with the
first truly significant other, I attempted to move on
to another, that other was a sad, yet true example of
one sided conversation, which ultimately ended our
relationship. After that, I found a lovely girl named
Christine… She was probably my most cherished
girlfriend for she always seemed to care, and with
such care, I felt a mutual feeling. Only compassion
and care can get us to another level of comprehension
and understanding of one another. If we can see deep
within each other, there would rarely ever be debates,
and all would know who is a good person and who is
corrupt. Though, is that not what makes our lives a
little more twisted and interesting?
Most recently I have been going through a stage, if not eternal, somewhat
like a dream. Only one person fits into such a dream,
yet in full, it makes the rest of the world so much
more mysterious yet so predictable. I have such
anticipation, yet I already know what is behind my
door waiting to jump out and hug me with all its
might. Is there a perfect one out there? Is there one
for you? I am quite sure there is no perfect
individual for you or I… yet there is always one
rather similar if not alike in almost every single
way. We should all not put up with mistakes like
cheating, and mischievous acts upon one another, for
such an act seems to be a cry of inner sadness that
the person is to idiotic to realize that they are in
love with another, or have yet to find a greatly
similar one, therefore resorting to disgusting and
promiscuous acts.
In life you will all find those who care, those who hate, those who love,
those who cry, those who suicide, and many other types
of individuals. What type is meant for you? It is true
that opposites do attract… yet with one who is loyal,
does the other not have a lack in fidelity? There are
the common traits that are also the crucial ones… At
such an event, true love can occur; a fascination in
not knowing what the other will say can some times be
thrilling. Everyone has his or her preferences… Yet is
it not satisfying enough to dive into another’s and
find a place that welcomes you as if it did not notice
you did not originally belong there?
A person can go throughout their lives worrying if the other will cheat
on them. A person can go through out their existences
hoping that there cherished one will not go back to
whatever restricted act or addiction of which they
originally had a ignorant pleasure from. But what is
the point in worrying your entire relationship only to
find that that person had been deceiving you all
along? Why not wait for and seek the one you need in
your life. They are all out there… Why not go look
now? A lifetime of love is ahead of you, only if you
give it a chance. A heart is a terrible thing to
waste; we all technically have one, yet that does not
mean we all use them. |
|
Part 4 |
I have such past pain of
torment and treachery inside my soul. A love of mine
once is a love of mine forever… Today I have gone
through such memory of a time when pain was in its
climax and I was at my lowest point. I have never
tried to suicide, yet I have pondered the outcome if
such an event were to take place. This pain in my
past, I am glad I still have, for if I would not, then
that means my love for others could never be genuine.
I have never been able to truly express or figure out why so many things
about sexual predators and violators disturb me so
deeply… I have my reasons, yet they are as deep as one
who has had their daughter or even brother a victim… I
have no past of being hurt or destroyed by any sexual
predators. I have been touched or hurt by no one in
such a way. The only ones who have ever done anything
within relevance are my ex’s, which was always in a
positive way. In a lot of ways I feel as if I should
protect all females from such pain and torment from a
perverted male… And when such news is found where one
of the dearest ones to me or even distant have been
hurt… I must avenge them. This very day I have no
power politically or to most adult’s eyes. I have
already made it my mission to deplete any threat to
each male and females choice to who they wish to
consummate with as long as it is a mutual feeling. I
have planted my roots to grow so deep that no fire may
blaze away the cause… There will always be a trace of
my message… It can never die.
Day after day, I must condone the actions of others and blame it all on
adolescent minds and the young life. I have been one
to experience such effects though, yet I had always
found it highly controllable. It is a pity that we
cannot all only look for those that look for us. Or
only care find appeal in the ones we already have and
not the ones we alternately desire. Why must so many
couple’s eyes be for many other shells and bodies. A
girl falling for a man with “ripped” abs can be a guy
falling into his own ripped heart. A male looking for
a slice of his pie could be a girl’s slice on her
wrist. This society of ours is twisted. If there ever
was a “god” he is a sick fellow for letting all these
things happen when he knows he could change it with
one flick of his wrist… If there is a “god” he is a
disgustingly sadistic one.
Over all this time I have found so much hate and horror that it is hard
to find a light… I have finally found a source of heat
and bliss… yet it may just be temporary… for I fear I
will breath to deeply upon this dear candle and it
will fade away… I will be in this darkness only to
walk where I feel my feet should follow.
While the others play their games, I write, when the others watch their
TV, I write… There is nothing better then writing,
except passion and love in itself… and my love would
be nothing without these words, without the computer,
and without my literacy. There are so many things that
seem to twiddle my life in their delicate fingers that
I am not even sure if my own candle will burn right
through my life’s string.
Tomorrow will define my fate, and so will minutes from now… This is not a
significant event but yet time in itself. There is
nothing to look deep into at times… there is nothing…
Yet when you are all not looking, there is a void that
you pass without a glance, and this my friends is my
own bottomless pit. |
|
Part 5 |
There have been enough entries
about me for now… how about how I perceive all of you?
I hope it makes all of you smile… I hope it does not
bring you down… I hope too much… And yet all this hope
is for you…
Males: I have a swaying opinion about the males for I grew up with few
around. All I have seen to this point are males
constantly looking for a girl to have sex with… You
cannot put every male in this country in the same
category for, as all, so many fall into different
categories. Most males seem to like sports, girls, and
beer. I having little to no interest in sports or beer
it is hard to sympathize with their actions.
I think males are mostly confused, with no place to look for guidance
except their porn freak father, it seems that they
turn out the same as that very man. Those without
fathers seem to disrespect their mothers because of a
lack in respect of why she is alone, or even the exact
opposite of that feeling towards their fathers. Many
times over males seem to view the female as weak and
innocent, and when those females are not innocent the
boys act like they are trash. Our entire society in
general feeds off each other of how to act. I for some
reason (not conceited) have not listened to society’s
words and claims about my sex, and followed a path of
my own. Most other males seem to place this stamp upon
my head before I even speak to others… If you wish to
see more about males, go to the anti perversion page.
Females: I believe I do not write enough about the female sex. For they
are a marvel far above others. Most seem to act weak
because of what they are told to do, but yet can take
in so much stress, anger, sadness, and rage and put it
aside ignoring their temptations to explode. I say so
often, this does not include everyone, yet for the
most part women and girls alike take too much pain and
damage in then they mostly dish out. Often times when
they receive pain they give that pain to others,
causing a chain effect to pass on to others. Yet in
most scenarios it seems that the female is the
dominant of the sex’s and is always more successful
and nurturing in the process. To me there is no such
thing as a fully cold female. If you say certain
things to them they will crack into tears and anguish.
In best metaphorical comparison, males are warm
diseased rusty steel blades with a core of a sponge
like material and females are a small stuffed animal
with a claws that can retract and warmth all around.
Females are also damp and have metal like legs to hold
their ground in nearly any occasion.
Both: We humans are overall weak when it comes to certain events. Males
are weak when it comes to serious relationships, and
females seem to be true to what they are all around.
Yet as a whole we seem to be poison to each other.
This poison will most likely never kill you yet it
will torture you to the fullest extents of your
existences. Just worrying alone about whether the love
of your life will cheat on you is a repetitive trend
of our pathetic human race. There are too many people
out there who say rape is wrong when they would do it
themselves. There are too many people who only care
about themselves. We as a whole should see each others
eyes and heart and finally realize that the person
writing this, the person you go home to, and the
people you see every day DO have feelings and they
often times know what you are going through yet have
no way to express that. You may notice yourself
worrying about how you are going to look on a date and
whether or not everyone will like your new outfit at
school. EVERYONE ELSE IS WORRYING ABOUT THE SAME
THING. When you harshly criticize others you are just
contributing to them saying you have a crappy outfit
on as well… When you look at people and say they are
ugly you are just saying that about yourself. For if
you were not aware, everywhere you walk people seem to
judge you for what you appear to be not what you are.
We people are hurtful yet somewhat loving creatures
when we all get the chance. Do not hate, but watch
your mouth and lower your voice, for they can hear
you, and you are very much the same as the one you
scream at. There are always exceptions, yet this is
the common case of reality. |
|