I busted up laughing repeatedly writing this script. When I started, I wasn't even planning on having the twist, the original joke was "Let's just say a bunch of crazy things." but later, it turned into something much more beautiful:
So apparently there is a major celebrity out there causing trouble... so people seem to say/believe. Personally I don't believe much of anything these days outside hard evidence, like Chris Brown & Rhianna, that was like "Ok, this guy is messed up." but for some reason, a lot of folks are cool with just going on hear-say with folks like Johnny Depp and numerous other HUGE celebrities, and I'm like, bro? No dude. I just want to enjoy my movie.
Regardless, here's the original script for Immortals and Elites:
John: Do you watch Onision?
Sherry: No, he’s the worst.
John: Why?
Sherry: Bad breath.
John: Still watching him.
Sherry: Farts a lot.
John: Don’t care, still watching.
Sherry: Bites people.
John: He bites people?
Sherry: Yeah they almost draw blood.
John: …still watching him.
Sherry: Ok well he slapped his mom.
John: Where?
Sherry: In the face.
John: No like what GPS location.
Sherry: Shut the fuck up.
John: Huhuhuhuh.
Sherry: Onision kicked a puppy.
John: How hard?
Sherry: Are you fucking kidding right now?
John: What?
Sherry: Did you just ask me how hard Onision kicked a puppy just now? Like it matters?
John: Could of been a little tap is all.
Sherry: A LITTLE TAP???
John: I’m still watching him.
Sherry: He choked out a Canadian gang banger.
John: Ok. Still watching him.
Sherry: He shot mall Santa.
John: Did the mall Santa survive?
Sherry: DID THE MALL SANTA SURVIVE??
John: That’s what I asked.
Sherry: So if the mall Santa didn’t survive, are you going to stop watching Onision?
John: No.
Sherry: Then why did you ask!?!?
John: I donno.
Sherry: You don’t know? Really?
John: No clue.
Sherry: He had a mad cult koolaide drinking thing.
John: He survived?
Sherry: He put water in his own cup just so he could watch all his followers die.
John: Savage.
Sherry: Savage? Mass murder is savage?
John: I mean that is what the word savage means.
Sherry: Oh… well Onision also ate a human baby.
John: Legs first?
Sherry: LEGS FIRST??
John: You repeat the things I say a lot.
Sherry: What would get you to stop watching Onision?
John: Well I don’t want to boycott DC comics just because of one actor.
Sherry: What the fuck are you talking about?
John: Yeah Onision plays the Flash.
Sherry: You mean Ezra Miller?
John: Oh yeah, that guy.
Sherry: You thought Onision was Ezra Miller?
John: Yeah…
Sherry: So you’re a fan of Ezra Miller?
John: Yeah, why?
Sherry: *clears throat* EZRA MILLER IS THE WORST FIRST HE ABDUCTED A…