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Adam159900

Emotional rollercoaster...

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Well that happiness didn't last long I guess but I don't f●●●ing know how to feel. I'm just like a f●●●ing emotional rollercoaster piece of S●●●. Just going up and down. Never staying in one spot for long. Today I f●●●ing held back tears basically throughout the entire day but I don't know why. I just felt like I had to cry. I couldn't cry cause I had to hide it from the people around me but now I can let it out and I just feel so sad for no f●●●ing reason. I just wanna keep crying. I thought about death a lot more. What it would be like. Should I speed it up? I feel alone too. Too scared to tell anyone anything that can actually do something about it. I'm scared of the consequences of telling people I guess. I'm just a f●●●ing piece of S●●●, f●●●. f●●● me. I, just, f●●●. 

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Sounds like you need to talk yourself into a calm state. Find inner peace.

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I know from personal experience how annoying it is to keep hearing the same thing but I also know from experience the dread of thinking it’s always gonna be like this. That being said, I implore you again to consider looking into professional help. Mental illness is still illness and without treatment you can fester and get worse. Please at least try to be kind to yourself. If you wanna vent at someone you can inbox me. 

 

I hope you can have some peace soon. Living like this is exhausting. 

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Hey Adam, I really sympathize with your situation. I also suffered from major depression for many years. You seem like a good person so I'm going to tell you something I'm very self conscious about in hopes of helping you. On June 9, 2017 I attempted suicide by slitting my wrists in the shower. I had been on medication for years and in and out of therapy. Like you, I felt that there was no hope and depression was just how life was going to be for me, and that I was too far gone to help because I had been depressed too long. I ended up in the ER and of course a mental health facility after I was patched up. I was a patient for 2 weeks. I felt miserable and ashamed for being hospitalized, but I'll tell you what, I was glad I failed suicide. I was placed in group therapy with others who had attempted suicide, which really helped me because for the first time there were other people who understood what I was going through. I didn't feel like an outcast for having depression. I also met with a psychiatrist who was extremely nice and helped me get on the right medication. During group therapy we would work on emotion regulation, we wrote things we were grateful for and practiced self love (cheesey, I know), and the hospital even had a peace rose garden we would visit as a group which was one of my favorite parts of therapy. In every rose plant there was a notepad and pencil where people could write anonymous positive messages to each other. After my 2 week stay I still went to the hospital a few times a week for group therapy meetings. I could go on in more detail of what my stay at the hospital was like, but I think you get the idea. It's not just a sterile white environment where you get thrown into a room and force fed pills. What I'm hoping to inspire with you here is that even when the depression is horrible, and you doubt the medical system, you don't trust anyone with your feelings, not even yourself, don't give up. When all of the suggestions you get to help yourself seem dumb, just try them anyway. Give yourself a chance. You are more than welcome to message me anytime you want. You are not alone, believe me when I say that I understand how you are feeling. You are not too far gone to be helped.

 

A peace rose to help you recover 🌹

 

 

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I know a one size doesn't fit all, when it comes to coping with depression or being overwhelmed. Try picking a goal to work on. Learning a new language, learning how to play a new instrument. Picking a fitness goal like running a marathon, or an iron man. Something that gets you excited and immerse yourself in it. Live it, breathe it. Write positive affirmations around you. Take pictures of a symbol of when you felt the lowest and look at them to remind your self you never want to feel that way again. I have a picture of a bathroom tile from a family members house that was the worst at treating me badly, while I was in their bathroom I thought why am I letting them make me feel this way? I took a picture of the bathroom floor to keep as a reminder of that day and how I felt. I am working on a fitness bucket list that is 6yrs. Away from me getting to attempt it and I have I AM A WARRIOR wrote all through my house for when I get discoraged.  

You are WORTHY of happiness!! Fight for yourself💛

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