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When you are separated from your family for a long time, how do you feel?...let's say when you had a bad argument in departing from them or something?  Would you feel emotional about it?...it looks like not many people looks like they have much emotion or feel much these days...it looks like...would you want to talk to them again?...would you miss them?...would you feel torn?...what would you feel and think?...

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Well I live in Denver my mom lives in Missouri my dad lives in Tennessee and my brother lives in South Carolina. My parents devoriced when I was 5. We never were a together family for most of my life. I got to see my dad and brother in January. I haven't seen my mom since September of last year. Sure I miss them some especially round Holidays. I call them at least once a week. I miss them sometimes and thats normal but ussally we are all doing our own things.  I missed them a lot the first time i moved out I was in the same state of everyone. I think the older you get and the more amount of time you spend away makes it easier. 

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My mother, step father and brother all live in Chicago. Other than my sister, they are the only family I am close with on really any level, and now I don’t even feel like I’m close to them at all anymore. My mother and I share the tendency to keep to ourselves for the most part, and don’t really reach out to others unnecessarily. Due to this, other than to give each other bad news, we’ve spoken maybe 20 times (other than during rare visits) in the past 3-4 years.

I feel kinda sad about it because I didn’t have the strongest relationship with her before she moved to Chicago. I had spent a good number of years estranged from my immediate family before hand, had been kicked out and living with friends from 19-22. My mother was abusive growing up and we were only just starting to heal together from it before she moved to be with my brother and father. 

 

Right now I feel very isolated and almost like I’m not part of the family at all, which makes me very sad because I love my family. They are imperfect and we’ve had bad times but they are so lovely and fun and I miss them so much. Especially my younger brother. He’s about to graduate high school and I feel like I haven’t been able to fill my big sister role at the most crucial of times. 

I worry that I might not be able to fix my relationship with my mom now that this new, somehow colder, distance has grown between us.  It’s tough, and I’m really sad about it but like with most things I’m sad about I repress it and don’t think about it often. Super not healthy, but dumb and dumber idk GIF

 

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9 minutes ago, Onryouji said:

My mother, step father and brother all live in Chicago. Other than my sister, they are the only family I am close with on really any level, and now I don’t even feel like I’m close to them at all anymore. My mother and I share the tendency to keep to ourselves for the most part, and don’t really reach out to others unnecessarily. Due to this, other than to give each other bad news, we’ve spoken maybe 20 times (other than during rare visits) in the past 3-4 years.

I feel kinda sad about it because I didn’t have the strongest relationship with her before she moved to Chicago. I had spent a good number of years estranged from my immediate family before hand, had been kicked out and living with friends from 19-22. My mother was abusive growing up and we were only just starting to heal together from it before she moved to be with my brother and father. 

 

Right now I feel very isolated and almost like I’m not part of the family at all, which makes me very sad because I love my family. They are imperfect and we’ve had bad times but they are so lovely and fun and I miss them so much. Especially my younger brother. He’s about to graduate high school and I feel like I haven’t been able to fill my big sister role at the most crucial of times. 

I worry that I might not be able to fix my relationship with my mom now that this new, somehow colder, distance has grown between us.  It’s tough, and I’m really sad about it but like with most things I’m sad about I repress it and don’t think about it often. Super not healthy, but dumb and dumber idk GIF

 

Do what you wanna and have to do...but I just wanna say they could be good people...you could love them in spending time with them...is all...

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I feel really bad inside if I'm not on good terms with my family.  We are all very close so when we fight it feels weird.  My dad on the other hand we've always been distant since he never came to visit, never paid child support, never called or wrote as much as maybe one letter since my parents divorced when i was 14.  He's never helped support or help me with anything in any way and y mom had to pay for my college and everything else that i needed on my own which makes me kind of resent that he never stepped up to even help her with regular things that parents usually both pitch in for to help their kids.  
I used to be really hurt but now i mostly just am distant emotionally from him and just... feel no closeness.  I try not to let it bother me but if i have to spend any amount of time with him it starts bugging me again and i HATE being put into a position where i have to ask him for help with ANYTHING because he rarely will help and if he does, he makes me feel like im SEVERELY inconveniencing him (like there was even once when all i asked him to do was pick up one of my medications from the pharmacy that was way closer to where he was than where i was and the pharmacy was closing b/c it was the holiday.... he like pitched a fit about it and almost didnt do it if my mom hadnt gotten on the phone and guilted him and read him the riot act for NEVER doing ANYTHING else for me in his f●●●ing LIFE.  (ugh, see, i might actually still be angry with him about things but i put it aside most'a the time hahahah) 

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5 minutes ago, Drifter Kane said:

Do what you wanna and have to do...but I just wanna say they could be good people...you could love them in spending time with them...is all...

Oh, no, I totally do, I love tf out of my family, I even said that in my essay, haha. I miss them like crazy for sure. I just kinda can’t spend time with them cuz they live 12 hours away and all 

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1 minute ago, AnnaSantina said:


I used to be really hurt but now i mostly just am distant emotionally from him and just... feel no closeness. 

Im in a similar boat, dad dipped out and wouldn’t help my mom at all and also basically disappeared for like 7 years. If you ever need to vent my inbox is open. 

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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, Onryouji said:

Im in a similar boat, dad dipped out and wouldn’t help my mom at all and also basically disappeared for like 7 years. If you ever need to vent my inbox is open. 

Usually only around the Holidays is when it comes up 'cause those are the only times I see him... He got remarried and had my little brother who's almost 15 now (im 32 so i was a late teen when he had my 'baby brother' -- and if he hadnt had my brother i wouldnt have reconnected with him at all.... but i go to see him b/c my little brother is down there and i feel bad b/c i know what kind of absentee parent he is and i know my brother doesnt get the attention he needs-  esp. b/c he's a lot like me and already been having anxiety and depression issues for the past few years--- like he's obviously had severe anxiety since childhood (same as i did) - and my dad doesnt understand and doesnt try to understand that type of stuff so i feel like ineed to be there for my brother.  i spend a lot of time down at their house when my little brother was younger but he's like a grumpy teenager right now and doesnt seem to get anything out of having me around- he just stares at his ipad  now lol.  but yea... i usually am a stress-case around the holidays trying to coordinate visits and stuff... though he HAS gotten better about driving up to see US and not making us (my brothers and i) drive down to see him every single time. (he lives almost 2 hrs away) 
(pic is last time i saw my dad at my brothers wedding.  My littlest brother is next to me :)  (my other younger brother who's just a couple yrs younger is missing from this picture  but good family picture..... we all try to be happy and get along but theres just underlying .....stuff.)

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Edited by AnnaSantina
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2 minutes ago, AnnaSantina said:

.  i spend a lot of time down at their house when my little brother was younger but he's like a grumpy teenager right now and doesnt seem to get anything out of having me around- he just stares at his ipad  now lol.

Oof I feel this!!! I wanna be able to be there for my brother but he’s so hard to reach now that he’s in the angsty teen phase, and the added distance does not help at all! 

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Just now, Onryouji said:

Oof I feel this!!! I wanna be able to be there for my brother but he’s so hard to reach now that he’s in the angsty teen phase, and the added distance does not help at all! 

oh man SAME.  it's SO  hard because he is so much like me when i was younger so I totally get it-- I didn't want to talk to anyone either and I never opened up-- but it did so much damage and I wasnt diagnosed with autism and all my issues until way later because I just wouldnt talk about things and didnt engage with anyone.  He was a lot better when he was younger but I see so many of my own traits in him,  even possible hi-functioning autism/aspergers issues (either that or just SEVERE anxiety but he's VERY much like me and my dad is a bit autistic (undiagnosed, but its obvious) so it runs in the family and thats what i have so i wouldnt be surprised if he ends up being diagnosed later too (if he ever gets into an actual psychologist)  My stepmom  who is as least SOMEWHAT less clueless (they are both clueless but she's not as bad- i get along with my stepmom and we're closer even than i am with my actual dad) - she signed him up for therapy through the school guidance program 'cause its free but he really needs to see an ACTUAL psychologist outside the school.  someone who can actually possibly diagnose and treat or help with coping skills.  I really dont want to see him end up where i was-  i ended up falling into drugs for self medication, etc at a young age and took me years to get back on track.  like barely just now figuring out how to be an adult.  
my 'baby brother' was so much easier to cheer up when he was ACTUALLY a baby  

HPIM0677.JPG

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8 minutes ago, AnnaSantina said:

oh man SAME.  it's SO  hard because he is so much like me when i was younger so I totally get it-- I didn't want to talk to anyone either and I never opened up-- but it did so much damage and I wasnt diagnosed with autism and all my issues until way later because I just wouldnt talk about things and didnt engage with anyone.  He was a lot better when he was younger but I see so many of my own traits in him,  even possible hi-functioning autism/aspergers issues (either that or just SEVERE anxiety but he's VERY much like me and my dad is a bit autistic (undiagnosed, but its obvious) so it runs in the family and thats what i have so i wouldnt be surprised if he ends up being diagnosed later too (if he ever gets into an actual psychologist)  My stepmom  who is as least SOMEWHAT less clueless (they are both clueless but she's not as bad- i get along with my stepmom and we're closer even than i am with my actual dad) - she signed him up for therapy through the school guidance program 'cause its free but he really needs to see an ACTUAL psychologist outside the school.  someone who can actually possibly diagnose and treat or help with coping skills.  I really dont want to see him end up where i was-  i ended up falling into drugs for self medication, etc at a young age and took me years to get back on track.  like barely just now figuring out how to be an adult.  
my 'baby brother' was so much easier to cheer up when he was ACTUALLY a baby  

HPIM0677.JPG

It’s a hard situation to be in, for sure. It’s p much the same with me and my brother, in a way. Obviously our issues are different from you and your brother but it’s the same idea. My mother has very abusive tendencies, is diagnosed bipolar and refuses medication or therapy. She also refuses therapy for her children, being of the mindset that she handles it fine on her own (questionable) so we should be able to too. 

 

Families are hard, haha! 

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Yea, my brothers parents (my dad and stepmom) aren't abusive at all (which is good at least) but they are just emotionally neglectful in a way.  I dont think they mean to be, they just don't really know any better.  My stepmom at least TRIES (like i said, she did sign him up for therapy with the school) but they just dont really know how to address mental issues.  My dad has been working since he was like 12 so he's kind of of the opinion that work is all there is and as long as he puts a roof over his kids head he doesnt need to do anything else (like actually emotionally guide and RAISE his kids)  my little brother needed more attention than that growing up but honestly he's kind of at the age now where its a bit too little too late since teenagers dont really want the attention from their parents anymore (i mean, at least to an extent-- parents still need to be emotionally supportive in other ways but  just spending like daddy/mommy-and-me time isnt it anymore) 
Like I said, they kind of just work a lot and when not working they want their own relaxing time (like, my dad, if he's not at work he's watching tv while reading a book- thats how it was when -i- was a litle kid and thats how it still is now with his new kids)  (thats understandable, but if thats what you want and need for yourself, you shouldnt have had kids-  he didnt give his first set of kids enough love, care or attention and then he went off and did it again) 
Like I said, my stepmom at least TRIES but neither of them seem to really understand what it takes to raise a kid with psych. issues (or understand that he probably even DOES have psych issues that are likely going to need treatment at some point)  so its just..... frustrating.  I try to talk to my stepmom everytime i see her and make sure Robert is at least still in his school therapy and trying to put down the seeds of the idea of convincing her to take him to an ACTUAL psych. doctor who deals with anxiety in children and teenagers. 
Sorry to hear about your brother-- sounds like they have it a little worse if the parent is abusive... how far away do you live?  its hard for me to get down there 2 'cause mines 2 hours away but i guess just try to do what i do and get down there as much and often as you can... even if you dont feel like you can help much, never stop trying to reach him.  at the very least it will remind him he's loved incase he forgets.  

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Posted (edited)

My mom, brother and I live in south Texas and I hate to be away from my mom for long periods of time. Shes my best friend. My biological father lives in Oklahoma and I've gone to visit him for a week at a time but havent since 2016-2017 and honestly left on bad terms with him. He hasn't been a part of my life majorly in a very long time and part of me understands that hes not the best father but also theres a part of me that has always wanted his love and approval. Also he has a wife and I have a half brother who's 11 or so and hes always favored him and my brother (whom lives with me). He treats every child except me like they belong in his family and like they're a part of it.. I want to talk to him again since I havent since 2017 on his birthday but it doesnt seem worth it. If it were my mother though, I'd do anything I possibly could to have her in my life.

Edited by _rose_the_freakshow_
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@AnnaSantina They live in Chicago and I’m in Maryland so it’s 12 hours to drive. I wish I could go visit more often but it’s just not realistic unfortunately. I’m glad you are trying so hard for your brother! I’m unfortunately too much of a coward to stand up to my mom, so I end up feeling like a S●●●ty big sister. Nearly 30 and still scared of pissing my mom off, what a sad state of affairs. 

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Posted (edited)

two people I was close to is dead and my grandma, uncle and aunt is my neighbors so I can just walk to their houses....I don't have any relationship with my family because of my depression, my mom and sister knew that dad beated me up a lot and they didn't do S●●● to help me so I'm not interested in having anything to do with them. We live in the same house but we just fight and don't talk to each other

Edited by Valentin
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