Chapter 19: Lost Journal Revealed

I came across some information since I wrote the last chapter. This information recorded my Air Force experience much closer to the actual events. While the data did not include more dramatic events, it does cover the politically correct aspects. I wanted to share this with all of you, so, from my own words, decades ago, this was a good portion of my experience in the US Military. March 2nd, 2005: This journal will soon document the future of my life in the United States Air Force. I, in specific, am I USAF enlistee currently active in the DEP (Delayed Entrance Program). Yesterday I was given a call from my recruiter saying I may have a position soon depending on current circumstances (I was told there is a position available, after only a month of waiting, but I am the number 2 position, so it is a wild card). I actually do not expect to get the position, and anticipate further waiting, we shall see. Once a month my Air Force recruiter has all the applicants come in to Round Table pizza. There they talk about what the benefits of joining the Air Force are, and what we should expect in the future. Really, every time we go in, we are supposed to have someone with us. But this time around, I really don't have anyone to take, so I am going in alone. Every two weeks in the Air Force Delayed Entrance Program we are weighed and asked if we are still eligible to join the USAF, I of course always am as my weight limit is 190lbs and I am at 155lbs ~ The minimum weight (yes, there is a minimum) for my height is 130lbs ~ so I am somewhere in the middle. Last time at the meeting, the recruiters were asking if anyone had any questions, I had nothing, but seeing everyone else sit there with a blank stare, I decided to raise my hand and ask away. I think I asked about 7 questions, and the other 20 people in the room collectively asked about 4. It was kind of sad, especially when everyone acted like me asking questions was suddenly a bad thing... :) Well, at that meeting I had taken my friend to Round Table (where we got free pizza, fruit, etc) with me. She learned a little bit, but regardless of her temporary ambitions I think she is swaying towards not joining due to the difficulties of Basic Training. Those of you who are thinking of joining, make sure you can meet the standards of Basic! It might be scary, but the strong survive, you know? Strength is in the heart & mind, not the arms for that will always come along with the two other elements. I found out something new today at the DEP meeting. The Air Force recruiters do not receive any commissions for the amount of people the recruit. I was really impressed by this considering in translation that means that in proportion to the other sectors of the Military, the Air Force really does only let the best in. The recruiters at the meeting made it clear that we were unique in a sense that approximately 85% of the people that go into the recruiting office are sent home, as they did not qualify. A few words to the now wise: If you have extensive law violations, use drugs, are overweight, did not graduate High School or have been to a psychiatrist for personal problems, you are probably not going to qualify for the Air Force. Knowing this makes me even more proud to be a part of an already great military power. March 8th, 2005: As stated before, I was recently offered a number 2 position for a Loadmaster position. When the recruiter asked me if I wanted to have the number two position, I paused, he chose something that was not on the list I made... I previously found out that I could select more than 5 jobs to place on my options list, so I chose to add 10, making 15. Knowing this, I was shocked to see a new offer come up, one that I had looked over/turned down prior. I told him I would take it, as he mentioned how I would travel often ~ I am very interested in traveling. The hours also fell within my range, 8-12 and the job did not involve attacking others (I do not favor a job in which I will attack, I'd rather defend. I don't want to be the guy who has to decide whether or not to fire on a civilian out of suspicion alone.) Seeming relieved to have the decision made, the recruiter closed the conversation on a pleasant note, only finding out later that the position offered to the number 1 & 2 (another recruit, a female & myself) had been taken by someone else. The recruiter seemed very stern in saying he was going to fight for her to get that job as he had been waiting a long while to get into the USAF training program. This of course means, no go for me, which is totally fine. It just says I am not taking a job that I am not entirely certain on, and that I have another chance to get a job on my list. I hope to be a pilot, but we'll see... honestly, I want to serve my country over personal preference... what else should I do for the country that practically gave birth to me? I'll put my life on the line for my mother, I'll put my life on the line for the organization that made my mother, her mother/father and so on possible ~ the US. If I have to take a job not on my list, I will, but I'll do better in an area of interest, as I am more inspired to learn. March 8th, 2005: I read a couple articles on Security Forces enlistee experiences & looked over job profiles today. After thinking about it, and speaking with my Sister (who is already enlisted in the USAF) I decided defending bases is something I would like to do, the same goes for planes & supplies. Before I objected to the option as I had thought Security Forces were people who ran in and out of buildings in IRAQ blasting like mad... I realize the requirement for Security forces is a full 20 points below my ASVAB test score (which means I might be paired up with people who barely passed the test... it could be a bad thing if they are my backup), however to me it is not about what jobs I am overly qualified for, it is about which job will fit me best ~ I have a desire to prove I am a survivor... I imagine I will make it through this will flying colors, but we'll see... Coming up on the 15th, I'll be headed out to Ohio for two weeks... I suspect I'll have a job by the time I get back ~ We'll see, we'll see...

(EDITOR NOTE: This last paragraph confirms a memory that had confused me for some time. I wasn’t sure if I ever went back to visit my dad after I had fought him when I was 15. As it turns out, I did in fact go back to visit him when I was an adult as I recall making a phone call to my ex girlfriend, the color guard girl? As I recall, I asked her if she remembered me, and she said “I wouldn’t forget the guy who took my virginity.” But at the same time, she was clearly moved on with her life by then. I think I called her to see if we could hang out, but because she sounded like she was in a different place in her life, I didn’t even ask her. I just said pleasant words then hung up. I would see my father visit me in Oklahoma after I was through the Air Force, and that would be it, would never see him again. Basically this entry in my journal just put everything together for me.) March 17, 2005: I’m currently inside the Newark Airport, my second destination is Cincinnati, OH. I most recently got off of a flight coming from my home, Lakewood (SeaTac Airport) — I imagine these are some of the last days in which I will have my future stand in question, as my recruiter is bound to find me a position in the US Air Force by the time I have returned, two weeks from now. On the flight over we watched “Friday Night Lights” another football movie, and in it, the team you’re rooting for, keeps losing... the director & editors I guess decided to just ignore the victories with a score board summary and skip right to the emotional areas, where they lost... “Friday Night Lights” is a really pessimistic and overly dramatized movie, why? On top of what I mentioned prior, the only time the movie did show dialogue in a victorious game (sequence longer than 15 seconds) was when their star player busted his leg... the last time I thought about it, I was certain movies were supposed to entertain, inspire and uplift their audiences... all I felt was that I had not wasted my time watching it, yet somehow felt less happy than when the movie had ever reached my eyes... ra ra football. Another side note: from what “Friday Night Lights” had suggested, Texas is certainly a crazy football state which has fans who put their entire life’s purpose on High School games... Ahh! Alright, off topic, I know. So I expect my recruiter to call me while I’m in Ohio... maybe the second week, by the way he had spoke of my new job selection, I do not have long to go. Boot camp will no doubt be a worthy challenge to me... I did 50 sit ups in 56 seconds a couple nights ago... I think I am getting to the point where I am ready to take on this great responsibility... My mother is encouraging me to graduate with honors... she says that she is going to buy a plane ticket for the day I am intended to graduate, the day those with honors should graduate... pressure, but it only helps. I am to silence my mouth, open my mind, and work as a tool for the US Government... right? I believe I will do fine... but I also believe I might be a changed man when it is all over, we’ll see. Now for what I see right now... I see... Delta Airlines... with their astoundingly par plane qualities & destination times... why do I say this? Continental Airlines just got me from coast to coast of the USA in 4 hours! While to get from the New York area to Ohio, it takes 2:30 for Delta? Also, their seats stink... heh... it’s so very true. For some reason a Continental Pilot (clearly eager to get places today) made me want to vomit for the first time in my life (due to a plane), left right left up down right gag gag vomit... no... I held it in, but wow ~ I realized there is no pain like that of an upset stomach... seriously, I’ve had shin splints and I’d take that over air sickness... Why am I getting into the Air Force? Well, maybe it is to show other pilots what smooth flying is all about... no no no... it is to serve my country. March 17, 2005: My sister is visiting from North Carolina where she is currently stationed. She told me a lot about the things I should know before going to boot camp, and a lot of things I didn’t need to know... I’ve been a little “down on the weather” as of lately though, mostly due to the flight over, but I’ll be fine. I expect to be 100% by tomorrow ~ we’ll see... March 22, 2005: My recruiter just gave me "The Call" ~ He asked me if I wanted a "cop" position, which is translation for "Security Forces" ~ I said... "Um... Sure." rather calmly, but right after I hung up, a nervous wave hit me. [answers phone] Alright, so that was the recruiter again... yes, I did literally just answer the phone while typing this. He said it's "official" I ship April 12th... [sighs] I mean YES! ROCK ON... kind of. If I won the Lotto (I don't play, but lets pretend) I would react the same way... I have a blank expression, and a little kick inside... It looks like I'll be defending bases & planes for the next 3 years, which then I can request a second job. My life is about to be stripped away from me, quickly being replaced by an entirely new one... I realize this is huge, and yet my life has not changed dramatically, I sit in the same room, doing the same thing… I have to graduate with honors, I must... wish me the best of skill, all of you. In the heat of summer, I will train for me, I will train for you, in the heat of strength I will work for me, I will work for you, in the heat of war, I will fight for me, I will fight for you, and if the time comes, I will have lived for me, I will die for you." (EDITORS NOTE: In this passage I mention agreeing to go in as a cop. In reality, I was agreeing to go in “Open General” which often slotted people as cops. Thing is, once I was in Basic, they handed me a piece of paper that said I was actually going to go into the medical field… weird huh? I was excited, but then made a bad career path choice which changed all that. Will probably get into that later.) March 24, 2005: This is the training information I have for being Security Forces, this is what I will be a part of. Step 1: MEPS Duration: 2 Days Date: April 10th - 12th Step 2: Basic (BMT) Duration: 6 1/2 Weeks Date: April 12 - May 27 Step 3: Tech Training Location: Lackland AFB, TX Duration: 9 Weeks & 1 Day Date: May 30th - August 2nd Step 4: First Assignment Date: Varies & Unknown March 24, 2005: This is something I wrote very recently in regards to BMT ~ I anticipate all said below will be true once I am in the training. We'll see: Hey, I want you all to know that there is no pressure in writing me via post mail while I am away at Basic ~ I already told someone directly not to write me as I feared mockery and distraction due to the others at BMT (Basic Military Training). If any of you do anything for me, to show your support, to help me along my way, please put your efforts towards my Air Force web site. I have a journal on the site which I will update at every given opportunity, right now it documents exactly what I have gone through since the point I began my interest in enlisting. When I am at boot camp, I want to be focused completely on being the best in the camp. Stories of home only hurt me, as they contribute to thoughts outside the objective and success, having the potential to generate homesickness which I want no part of. I will have already met peak physical standards by the time I get to the training camp in Texas, and I will not let anything get in my way of graduating with honors. I realize many cry and complain for being so emotionally abused in boot camp, yet I am convinced no such tears will reach my eyes like the others often have ~ I am full of Jackson strength, and devotion to my cause, you can all have faith in that. Thanks for your time everyone, I’m very happy to be going into the Air Force, it is something in life I am actually interested in & I am certain gritting my teeth through the physical stresses to come will help me succeed much farther than any trainee before. March 24, 2005 Right now, on this date, I can do the following in under two minutes: Push Ups: 59 Sit Ups: 75 Pull Ups: 11 In order to graduate basic, I have to do at least the following by the sixth week: Push Ups: 45 Sit Ups: 50 Pull Ups: 0 This means I am well over the standards already, but what most people won't tell you (unless you ask) is that you can graduate with honors in basic, which only applies if you meet the following standards: Push Ups: 62 Sit Ups: 70 Pull Ups: 4 It is always best to shoot for your own high standard, which is exactly what I am doing. By the time I leave for boot camp, I want to be able to do the following: Push Ups: 100 Sit Ups: 150 Pull Ups: 30 I will be able to do these, I won't be satisfied with anything else. April 1st, 2005: They had advised me to be part of combat controller… I declined saying “I don’t want to kill people in an attack format, I’d rather defend.” ~ They nodded, continuing to play cards, & even broke a few rules according to the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice) ~ such as swearing and even gambling… the wager? Respect. I then asked them all about boys crying in boot camp, they all went straight faced, one saying “That’s because they’re home sick.” ~ I guess this means they too cried… I wonder… will this be me? Will my tear soak in my sheets? Or will they be clean of such emotional dirt? I leave on the 12th of April, but my MEPS date is scheduled for the 10th ~ and coming up on the 7th, I have a DEP Commanders Call meeting to attend in which I will be given another briefing ~ until then. April 09, 2005: Thursday I received my 3 day briefing, but in all actuality, I leave 3 days from today... yesterday was a DEP Commander's Call meeting, so it was more convenient then. I was basically asked to sign a form I had already signed the previous briefing (15 day) which also was not on the exact date... then I had to initial another form repeatedly to assure the government that I have not been in any disqualifying incidents since I signed up. Coming up this Sunday, I will be headed to the Holiday Inn again, this time I am not driving as I will not be coming back. There I will spend the night, and the next day they will do a final review. If there are any problems (I can actually be disqualified if my heart rate is too high, or if I, at the time, have a wound) than they will leave the extra day for me to settle things. I imagine everything should go extremely well, but I'll prepare myself for a shocker if I must... for some reason I think I'll be nervous making my heart rate too high, but really, last time I was nervous and I did fine... Regardless... this is the last note I will leave for a while, please feel free to comment on what I have written so far, and give me a warm welcome back when/if I graduate basic on the 27th. (EDITORS NOTE: And that’s where we’ll leave the journal for now. So everything after this, is me talking, as myself… today, now.) In the next chapter I think I’ll probably cover the remainder of basic as well as other training, from my memory today, and then we’ll continue down the path of the journal entries, which are… awesome. I just want to point out how obvious it was that I am a conscientious objector, even early on. Back then I thought I could kill people, but I stated that it would only be in defense… then I wound up refusing to kill anyone. People thought it was some stunt, but from day 1, in my journal, it was clear, I truly questioned whether or not I had any right to take a life. Low and behold, I made up my mind years later. This journal really speaks to who I was, and who I am now.